Life update.

I think this post is just for me, so that’s ok. I refuse to write in my journal these days… so, Blogspot you will have to do!

I have never been so recognizably as far away from God as I am right now. It’s interesting to see this side of the spectrum, to say the least. I feel like not living for God is worse than I imagined it to be. Not to state that I once lived perfectly for God, but I definitely was running with all that I had- plus more! Seriously… I was willing to do whatever it took to have Him. And, not having a relationship with God anymore has left an empty, echoing, gnawing feeling at the core of my being. I know it’s not my “own works” wanting to bubble up and surpass because I killed those attempts to be good enough for God long ago. And… maybe that’s why I haven’t resurfaced. I haven’t learned the counterpart to working for God. You know, the idea of REST. Those four words make me shiver because they seem so non-existent. I almost hide myself from them. Anyway, rest… This idea of resting in God astounds me. Letting Him take me in His arms and love on me is something I will not let Him do. I won’t let anyone love me. How do I expect to have relationship? I realized this just tonight about myself actually. And then I remembered a moment in time where I received love and how odd it felt, and I remember writing in bold letters in my journal:

“Kirsten does not receive love.”

Isn’t that sad? It makes me sad. Because I know love is the core of any relationship. And if I can’t receive love then how am I able to have relationship?

Iwanttheseissuestoleave. I feel like life can’t go on with these thoughts plaguing my mind, and everywhere I turn I feel like I’m seeking advice on what to do. I need to hit the pause button on my efforts and sit in His presence. I need God. Oh my gosh can I say it again, I need God! Without Him I am dead. Plain and simple. I feel like this “leap” into living for Him again will take a simple breaking of fear and receiving of truth. So what if I fail at following Him again, He will be there. To be God’s BEloved is a command, not a choice. It’s taking your mind, and your heart, and submitting it under that truth… You Are Loved. You are loved you are loved you are loved! Walking with God isn’t easy or simple… the war isn’t over… He hasn’t come back yet. It’s time to put back on your armor solider! Please don’t let the enemy win. STOP LOOKING TO YOURSELF AND LOOK TO GOD. All of the needs inside your heart were meant to be filled by One and One alone. Stop filling yourself with things that lead to emptiness and open your hands to receive God. Let Him love you. Let Him hold you. Let Him be with you. Plz.

I use to find God’s love in what He could do for me… I’ve never found it in Him. The offering of Himself on the cross was the greatest act of love in the history of all time. If we were to just receive it we would be radically transformed into true Christians. Walking, breathing, living, and having a relationship with God whilst still here on this earth. We would follow Him, we would praise Him, we would fight for Him every single day. All through love!

My first step in embracing this truth is to turn my eyes off myself. I could never love God enough on my own, in fact my attempts are nothing. I need to stop trying to be enough. It’s by His strength, not mine. To open my heart and let love in is the second step. To humble myself and be vulnerable- two of the hardest things for me to do. This breaking will lead to freedom. It will free me to love others, to walk in true relationship, and to no longer live a lie.

God is love. Love has come. He is waiting to be wanted…

Innocence.

Innocence.
I was talking to a friend last night, and he elaborated on the idea of one's innocence been stripped away after facing a life tragedy. A heartbreak. A pain. A betrayal. It's the act of being awakened to this world and all of it's wickedness. It is like your eyes instantly or even over time become opened, and your heart becomes hard and unable to feel. The way life was suppose to be is lost. And I feel like if you forget that you will eventually lose sight of truth, even if you are striving for it.

A baby trusts so easily. Growing out of it is like eating the fruit, choosing to see what is around the Garden of ultimate glory. It isn't pretty, and I've seen it face to face recently. I miss the girl I was with God. I miss her. She was so lovely, and free, and child-like, and loving, and patient, and thoughtful, and caring, and giving, and wanting to change the world and touch people's lives. I feel like she is gone. But I can't believe that for the Bible says God will never leave. I can leave Him, but He can't be unfaithful even if we are.

God, I want to be back with you. I can't stand who I am apart from you... I am so scared, and fearful, and wanting to cover up my shame admist this worldly atmosphere. My heart needs you. I need love; Your love. Please send it to me so I can breathe again. So I can love You and trust You once again. Like a baby being born, birth in me a desire for You. I cry out Lord. Please hear my cries. amen.

Where are your wings?

I feel like I missed the memo on life...

Anyone else feel that way?
Can we miss out together?!!

I saw a dead caterpillar on the ground yesterday and despite how interesting it looked (not in a weird way!), it made me really sad. I then began to ponder the thought of how a butterfly grows it's wings and how the process works. And my conclusion thus far is simply that it takes rest. That's all the caterpillar does to become a butterfly... rest. I wonder if being a caterpillar is hard work? Hmm... I shall study more.

Not to compare this 100% to God and His ways, but if you know me at all you'll know that I'm obsessed with butterflies. When I lived in ATL for two years my bed was right up against a window which faced a garden. (Yes a garden in the middle of the city, I thought it was weird too). But anyway, every single time I looked out my window I saw a white butterfly and God would always remind me of my freedom in Him. Even know being back in KS I see white butterflies everywhere and it always brings me a smile. So, this is my prayer tonight...

God, please help me to rest.
For I need freedom.
Thankyou for promising this to us.
amen.

what I wouldn't write in my journal.

I'm a pretty avid journaler. Usually write once a day, sometimes twice, but this past week I haven't been able to pull out my journal. It's not that I don't have the time or am incapable, something seems to stop me for fear that if I write down what I'm truly feeling it could be true. It would forever exist on a piece of paper that is shoved somewhere in the corner of my house... Really silly, I know. But I do not like what I have to say. Something has seemed to corrupt my mind and I don't know how to stop the pattern.

Lets open the can and spill, shall we?
The other day- Oct. 11th to be exact- was my 7 year mark of being a "Christian." It's not like THAT day I was saved for we are continually being saved, but I look back on that day every year around this time remembering the joy I felt and the hope that awakened my heart to live for God. I just recently came across the first Bible I bought and stood in awe over how child-like my faith was. It almost made me laugh in those moments as I thumbed through the pages, thinking to myself, "I was such a stupid girl." NO NO NOOOO! Where has she gone! Where has my faith gone! I don't know! I can't find that girl anymore. She's buried deep, for I feel her cry to rise and just believe... but I can't let her out. Having Oct. 11th pass yet another year has made me realize just how deep she's buried...

I'm not trying to be emotional. This is real life. Living as Christian with Christ in you is real. And having second thoughts about this life I have already chosen to live is... real. It affects my every waking thought. I feel stopped, at a cross-road. It's hard to explain cause I already know the choice I'm going to make, something is just stopping me from turning and walking. I see who I am right now due to certain life circumstances and I beat myself up for not being strong enough. I thought my faith was stronger, I didn't know I was so weak. I thought I knew what I believed and was equipped to stand against oppposition. I thought I knew who I was in God's eyes and wasn't able to be defined by the world. Not to say that I was thinking I could do all of this out of my own strength, I thought I'd matured from a babe to at least a teenager, maybe?... I didn't know that I would fall at one strike from the enemy. I look around and see others that have it SOOO much worse than me, and that makes me feel selfish for even writing how I feel right now. But if someone where to see my thoughts on paper I think it would blow them apart. For to me I look back and see my journey with God, especially within these last 3 years, and want to scream and cry and rage wondering what the point was to go through everything I endured for Him. I feel like it lead me no where. No where in life, no where in my walk with Him...... do you think God does that to raise us higher? Lets hope.

I just can't do "it" anymore. I tell God that, that I can't do it... whatever "it" is. And that's where I'm leaving it. I feel drained on the bottom of bottoms. My beliefs are being tested and coming out negative. I know the truths I have learned, I know what is "right"... but I feel like a test-subject on this earth of what it looks like to go after God the wrong way. If there is even such a thing as a wrong way? I don't want to try anymore to get things right, I can't, I'm done. And that's really all I wanted to say.

So, goodnight.

encouragment.

So many emotions. So many thoughts.

I wish my Christian friends were more encouraging. I try and be a good encourager. "Treat others the way you want to be treated" kinda thing. I feel like I'm running as hard as I can after the Lord right now. In the midst of this world pulling at me, I am still moving forward. I haven't given in or pushed Him away even though lies want to convince me that I have every right too. Even though my past and present creep into my mind every day, I know I have to let God reign!

...And in the midst of pursuing the Lord I feel pulled down by the church. Isn't the Bride suppose to work together? Encourage one another?

I don't expect approval or applause.
I just wish others would be here for me as I battle in what feels like
the fight of my life.
I don't need to hear what I'm doing wrong.
I just really need someone here.
We need people, right?




God show me what You are trying to teach me right now.
Because I feel so let down.
And really really alone.
amen.

walking in the desert.

• The desert.

Do you ever feel like you're in one? Spiritually speaking of course...

I have found myself trudging through one for a while now. And I feel like it's in this season that we have one of the greatest opportunities to find God, so I will count it as joy. Even though I find myself panting, light-headed, scorched, and dried-up on the ground sometimes.. I have to get up and keep moving... I know there is hope.

I don't know why God has led me here. But who am I to question Him or His ways. I look around though, and I see nothing... nobody, no source of water or food, no comfort, no beauty, no joy, no peace, nothing to stand in awe over. Nothing. Wow sounds to me like the world, doesn't it!? Do you think God leads us to these places in order for us to fully turn to Him? To see His beauty and what He has to offer. Would He realllly go to that great of lengths just for me? I don't understand. I didn't ask for this desert ground. And hey I know where water and food!... but I've tasted of it and know it doesn't fully satisfy, so I'm going to keep searching. Maybe this journey is God's way of creating in me an appetite to seek Him and Him alone. Maybe He's trying to prove to me that this world really does have nothing to offer that can fully satisfy. People will always let you down, jobs will never satisfy, famliy won't always be there for you, loved ones will always hurt you, people will always reject you, hair will always have split ends, and beauty will always fade. But with God there is everlasting love, joy, peace, acceptance, and beauty. He has always been there, and He forever will be. I don't need to prove anything or become someone better. He is with me now. I just need to realize it. RECEIVE it. Put this world on the back burner and find who I am in God.

Sounds too good to be true, right?

But haven't you felt it... that longing for something more?!
I don't know about you, but I want it.
And God is showing me I need it or else I am going to die in this desert.
What if God led the Israelities through the desert to prove this point to them,
that they need Him.

"Therefore, behold, I will alure her, bring her into the wilderness and speak
tenderly to her. There I will give her her vineyards from there, and the valley
of Achor as a door of hope, and she will sing there as in the days of her youth,
as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt." (Hosea 2:14-15)

REST.

I feel a beckoning- pulling at me, begging me to come...

Do you feel it too?

I've been searching for this longing since the day I left for Atlanta, GA... honestly. I remember telling my friends that I wish I could feel like I did when I was back at home. This longing, yearning, wanting, can't-live-without feeling for God. I've missed it. And now that's it here again I'm scared it will go away.

I've realized something pivotal in my walk as a Christian. I strive so much to just be enough. I'm continually looking for what's next and how I can do it right. Be enough for my parents approval, be enough to be someones friend, be enough for a guy, be enough to be noticed or praised... This is sounding like pride to me! Some days, my whole day is just routine... I never just l i v e. Maybe resting in who God has created me to be is included in the "life" Jesus said He came to offer those who would follow Him... hm.

I remember one time in MC a man prayed over me because he felt compelled to by the Lord, and it was really odd because he was teaching an inner healing class, and stopped in the middle of the class and called me out of the room. He said, "God wants you to know that He sees you." And then he prayed REST over my entire body.. and afterwards, I felt like a noodle. I thought I had that "Ah ha" moment then but apparantly I didn't. At least I've tasted what it feels like to rest, seen what it looks like to rest, heard about what resting looks like.

I'm ready to live it.
I'm ready to know AND believe that I am right in the sight of God.
I'm ready to let go of my past, let go of my future, and trust His control.
Resting=trusting....
Trusting=life.

....// I need someone to understand.

I'm seeking out truth. I want to know truth! I want to cling to truth!... And you know what's funny, when I just wrote that I thought, "Jesus says HE is the truth!".. Hm, just know Him. Everything i've been seeking out recently has led to this conclusion: Just be with Him.

I don't want my heart to ache anymore. I don't want the past in any shape, text, picture, note, image, memory, feeling, or emotion to spring up again. Ever. Ever. EVER again. Did I mention I never again want the past to spring up again? I want my memory to be erased... I wish that could happen, I wish that WAS possible. I'd definitely pay any amount to have it done. I think what hurts the most is to look back and remember the moments in time that the fears of your heart were tested, and how you gave in. I wish I could go back to the times the words "I will never leave you" and "I will never hurt you" were spoken to me, and tell my heart to remain caged up, as it always instantly did whenever hope wanted to leek in because of those promises. The cage formed around my heart because it's been let down so many times before... it was there to protect me. But why WHY WHY did I finally give in and believe. I want to go back to the moment the cage was unlocked and my heart became vulnerable. I want to see myself become that way so that I can be there to lock it right back up... be the angel on my shoulder warning my heart what it will go through if it believes. Warning it not to surrendur.

I hate my heart right now. I hate it's apprehension to become vulnerable before God. I hate all of it's scars and wounds. I hate the tender places that shock me like a tazer when it gets touched. I hate it. I want to throw it away. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to trust again. But then again, I don't want to not trust again. My heart's just a mess, it's just a mess.