My <3

I think if I could describe my heart I would relate it to a hungry animal running around for food.... It's panting; in need to survive. It's always been this way,, and I'm just now realizing it.

I think all of our hearts are this way in some form or fashion before we give it to God. What's scary is this whole time I thought it was in God's hands, but it hasn't been... The realization has made me stop and stand, still panting of course. Except this time I'm not wanting to run, because most days, like today, I just want to give up and kill my heart altogether. But that would lead to a miserable life. I don't want to do that.

How could you be so heartless?

Umm, I always want to come and write on this blog but I never have time anymore. I wish I had like a portable keyboard on me at all times (haha I guess interent on cellphones would work) to write down all these crazy, annoying thoughts that run through my head.

I've realized I have no clue who God is
or what God is
or where God is,
or what "God" means in my life...
I thought I did... but I don't.
And I'm not believing the enemy by saying this.
I truly have missed the greatness of God.
Oh I've tasted it!, but I don't have it.
And I'm running from it.
Because I'm tired.
And my mind needs a break.

But the coldness of my heart is not fun, i can tell ya that.

Quick thought.

I have a quick thought to ponder:

When people state that they love God for who He is, I get really confused. Is there ever a time and place where we can love God selflessly? I feel like I will always need God... IS there a point to where I'm so secure in it that I don't need it anymore??


I wonder....

//<3

I don't want to think about you but you flood my every thought.
I don't want to miss you but it doesn't seem to stop.
I'm glad it's over, ended when it did.
I'm glad I pushed you away and won't let you back in.
You promised it would never be this way, that you were different from the rest.
How could I believe such a lie apart from the One who knows me best?
You broke the heart you held and then turned and walked away.
It's been picked up once again even though it wants to stay.
The hands around it are now eternal- un-changing, remaining, and strong.
It's protected and kept safe, it knows where it belongs.

//<3

Praise.

His praise shall continually be upon my lips today.
.
.
.
.

I thank God for being God.
His ways have broken me this past month.
But I thank Him.
Because His ways are good. His plans are good.
And He is never giving up on me.

Love addiction.

les get down to tha needy greedy, yes...

I watched Oprah today and wow. The show was about love addiction, and there was this woman who spoke most of the time was is a recovering "love addict".... and things she said I can relate to so much right now. I started questioning if I could be labeled a "love addict." Haha, oh man. Well... her story is basically that she was with this guy 3 years ago who all of sudden left her, and since then she's been "stalking" him. And this was after ending a 12 year stalking of another guy! She explained that through her recovery program she had "father issues" brought to her attention and realized it affected her ability to have intimacy with another guy. She said she can go about her day right now but still feel completely depressed inside. I could hear her cry for love!! And what AMAZED me was the Oprah stated at the end of the show that "everyone needs a spiritual connection." Oh how true Oprah is.

A professional "addiction" specialist was also on the show and he attacked the root issue of people who are addicted to love. He explained that they have an inability to be intimate because of either an abuse in the past or a hurt from a father. They long for intimacy but are able to be intimate and open to another. They're always seeking to fill that void, but never truly let their guard down. Relationships fail because of it. A really good point he made is that humans were made for intimacy and can't live without it. The woman said that she feels she'd be "happy" if a guy would turn and love her back, but that if they would she knows that she would really turn and run the other way. Oprah started asking, "Why do we want those who don't want us?!?" And I think to conclude the solution for a love addict, they must turn to God...

One who IS and who has ALWAYS been wanting intimacy with us. Not just fatherly, friendship intimacy, but a raw passionate love! He waits outside the windows of our hearts until He's let in. God is a gentlemen so He won't come rushing in, but He'll wait... even if it takes an entire lifetime. In the meantime though He'll do ANYTHING in order to get our attention. Even if it means putting His love inside of an earthly man and then taking it away only to show you that He is still there.

I wish I could sit down with that woman and speak the love of God into her. Speak to her very fears until the love of God melted them away and give her the access to a truly happy life. I almost wanted to applaude when Oprah made her ending statement, because in all complete honesty when we look at the world and it's need for love- NO man can fulfill that hole except Jesus Christ. No one is ABLE to fill that hole but Him! No eartly man will ever hold as much love or desire for a woman than He can. I honestly wish that my eyes were completely blinded to all other men right now and that I could just see God, feel God, sense God. It takes faith to know that He's there and that He loves you endlessly. It's taking all the faith in me right now to pursue Him with a broken heart. But I am, because I know He is reality. I know that I can't look to any other man for what my heart needs because I know that any other man but Him has the ability to fail and hurt me. God isn't capable of hurting me; He can't! I'm convinced that God sent His son to RESCUE us and SAVE us from all this world wants to give. Jesus is the ultimate representation of true love. When I think of His amrs outstretched on the cross I picture Him giving His complete self to His bride; those who will one day be completely His. The cross is a history where God has physically shown His love to humankind. To become His bride takes an awakening and a COMPLETE giving of self. We live for God because we love God... any other "life for God" will not work. Sin will keep happening: depression, hurt, pain, hate, emptiness, loneliness... will all still remain in our life until we see God. Until we know of His love.


I can't wait to fall in love with God...

Open myself to Him completely...

and never never NEVER be hurt again.

.

Lord, I want to hold You.




<3

Dear.

Dear fathers of daughters,
When she comes and shows you a new outfit.
Please don't ask her how much it was.
She wants to hear she's beautiful.

Love, a fellow daughter.
<3

Longing.

"To know God, is to love God,
To love God, is to long for God."


Lord, I want to long for You.
Today and forever.
Amen.



.

"Come be the fire inside of me"

---I want to be consumed by God. I could just scream it!

I went and saw the movie 2012 today, and man, talk about a true horror movie! The whole time I was watching it God kept speaking things into my heart about what He's been revealing to me over the past few days. It has to do with fire. Think about fire for a moment. It CONSUMES anything it touches- burns, destroys, completely gets rid of everything in it's path. I searched the word "fire" in the bible the other day and found so many scriptures it blew my mind! All the way from Moses and the burning bush, to the disciples being baptized with tongues of fire, to fire in His eyes when He returns in Revelations, God is constantly relating Himself and revealing Himself to us through fire! One of my favorite passages that I found was in Song of Solomon verse 8:6. It says this...

"Put me like a seal over your heart,
Like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy is as severe as Sheol;
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
The very flame of the Lord."

Did you catch that? His love is a flame of fire! Fire. FIRE! Take His love and pour it into the human heart and there should be nothing left but His love! I realized that so many times I've taken the love of God and patched it over my heart as something that's just there to mend the wounds; to cover up the pain. But I've had it so wrong... I've really received everything BUT His love! Because when you "give your heart to Jesus" nothing else should dictate you. When He holds your heart, nothing can touch it but Him. It's sealed. Your heart's safe. Storms will come and try and take Him away from you, but that's when the true test arises. That's when you fight to keep your eyes on Him no matter how much everything else looks better.
No matter how much more "real" the world looks,

you fight!...

Because like I saw in the movie 2012 tonight, everything will one day pass. When nothing's left but God, I keep asking myself if that will be enough. Will I let God consume me now,,, or when it's too late??? Because, as much as this scares me to say, He will consume all of us one way or the other. I don't like to say will I LET Him consume me now because it's not something you do out of duty. You don't give your heart to God because it's the "right" thing to do. You give yourself to God the moment you realize He's already given you everything. You fall in love with Him! I've come to see that talking about God, thinking about God, doing things for God, shouldn't come through any other way but love. Because like Francis Chan so beautifully writes "When you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything." You don't change by trying to change and trying to be "right," it comes through love. It's so beautiful. I just want to think about this all day and do nothing else haha. For real.

I'm going to keep writing... I've been reading this amazing book. It's called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and this book is changing my life. I read my favorite chapter so far last night and I want to go and read it again tonight! The whole chapter focuses on loving God and what that really looks like. He opened the chapter by relating how we see God to how we see earthly love relationships. I'll quote (because it's so good)-
"When you're truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You'll drive for hours to be together, even if it's only for a short while. You don't mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You'll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you're crazy about. When you are apart from eachother, it's painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together."

Now..... is that how you feel towards God? I can honestly say that for me, most days it's not. Praying can be so hard, reading the Word can be so insanely boring, and even some days I want to dig myself into the world and hide. But, the amazing thing is, God's love never fails. He will never stop chasing down my heart until it's completely His. He loved me when I was in sin; He died for me when I wanted nothing to do with Him! He's soooo proven His love, yet sometimes it's still sooooo hard to love Him and trust Him. This world is so annoying, why must it get in the way of our One true love! I just want the mask to be torn down! I want to know the One whom my heart belongs! God's recently invaded everything my life like a forest fire. It is unbearably painful and I want to turn away in shame, but I'm not. I'm fighting to know Him. Because I want God to be enough.

The fire is painful.
But it must come in order to be refined.
Yes, it must come.
Consume me Lord.

Scared.

I need to admit something. I'm scared to death to give my heart to God. And I keep asking myself why I feel this way because fear should be the farthest thing a human being feels when they think of God. I'm not talking about the holy, reverent, fear of God because that's SO essential to following Him, but i'm talking about the pee your pants/want to run type of fear. God is love. Where there's love fear does not exist because "there is NO fear in love" (1 jn. 4:18)
So why am I so stinking scared!?!...

I've recently been awaken to realize that I have been living in deception. The enemy knew what to wrap up so tightly to keep my eyes off of God. God told me once that the enemy doesn't want Him to have me. But I will fight until the day I leave this earth to be completely His.

The only way we can love God is if we receive His perfect love. "Perfect love casts out fear" (1 jn. 4:18) Why would I want any other love than His? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT "LOVE" APART FROM HIS ISN'T REALLY LOVE!!! The world labels feelings and pleasure as "love" when really it's the complete opposite of love. You, Kirsten Burge, will stay in fear if your heart is in any other hands but His. I know that the more I focus my mind on Him the more I will learn of His love because it's there, knocking at my heart. It's almost so loud that it knocks me off my feet! But I think that's what God wants to do, He wants to carry me away; sweep me off my feet. I've been camping out in the tower this whole time thinking I was ok while the Lord has been down below beckoning me to jump into His arms! I want to be captivated by His love. Learn it, be in it, move in it, be dictated by it alone. Thank goodness He is patient with me, or else I'd be long gone by now.

I feel selfish to be on this journey again. I want to get past needing God's love and I want to love Him! I'm once again this broken, empty vessel in need of love. Learning His love is a forever journey, but I'm talking about the state im in as something so fresh that I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what to do because I've been here once before and apparentely didn't do it right that time, so what am I to do differently now? It's confusing, hard, painful... but God's teaching me this thing called rest. And it's good.

I sometime wish His love was more tangible and real to touch. That's why I think God created marriage for this life we have on earth. Marriage is a journey to know God more than you could on your own. I've been seeing love relationship as my hope to be loved, but I am slowly learning that He gives us relationships to learn to love HIM. You can't look to anything or anyone else for love but God. When your eyes are on Him nothing can harm you because He protects you from this world. He protects you from false love, pain, fear, and hurt. Put your faith in Him dear heart, He will never fail you.

What is God but God Himself.

I have been searching out, seeking, clinging to, dieing for, doing everything possible to know what "God's will" is for my life.

And it's led me nowhere...


I'm standing infront of this blank canvas right now and I find myself looking back questioning what God has done, questioning what all the effort was for that I put into doing "His will." It seems like a waste.

Why do we always put so much work into knowing what God's will is for our lives? I'm not at all saying that it's bad to seek out God's will or even bad to know, but why sometimes do we feel like we have to know. It's like we want to know so that we can feel like we have at least a little bit of control. But God says no just trust Me! You can only find your life when you lose it! (Mt. 16:25).

I gave my everything to what I thought was God instead of giving my everything to God Himself. Now that I'm standing infront of this blank canvas my heart wants to turn cold because it seems like God has erased all the plans He had for my life. I thought I had my life figured out- you know, what "Gods will" was for me. He's shown me that life is not about that. He is the life. I will find my life when i'm simply just with Him. And being with Him is all that matters. What I do for a living doesn't matter, where I live, how big my house is, how much money I make, what I wear, what kind of car I drive, how many children I have, who I marry... none of it matters. They are all blessings that God gives but they are not the end result to fulfillment. Because in the end, it's just me and God...

Will that be good enough?


I feel so free to just be with God. He's rescued my heart once again and i'm slowly learning to trust Him with my everything. This is a season i'm calling "my rescued heart" because it's a journey i'm on that I thought I had already travled. A journey to fall in love with God and have that be enough. He's caught me with both arms.