Innocence.
I was talking to a friend last night, and he elaborated on the idea of one's innocence been stripped away after facing a life tragedy. A heartbreak. A pain. A betrayal. It's the act of being awakened to this world and all of it's wickedness. It is like your eyes instantly or even over time become opened, and your heart becomes hard and unable to feel. The way life was suppose to be is lost. And I feel like if you forget that you will eventually lose sight of truth, even if you are striving for it.
A baby trusts so easily. Growing out of it is like eating the fruit, choosing to see what is around the Garden of ultimate glory. It isn't pretty, and I've seen it face to face recently. I miss the girl I was with God. I miss her. She was so lovely, and free, and child-like, and loving, and patient, and thoughtful, and caring, and giving, and wanting to change the world and touch people's lives. I feel like she is gone. But I can't believe that for the Bible says God will never leave. I can leave Him, but He can't be unfaithful even if we are.
God, I want to be back with you. I can't stand who I am apart from you... I am so scared, and fearful, and wanting to cover up my shame admist this worldly atmosphere. My heart needs you. I need love; Your love. Please send it to me so I can breathe again. So I can love You and trust You once again. Like a baby being born, birth in me a desire for You. I cry out Lord. Please hear my cries. amen.
October 27, 2010
October 17, 2010
Where are your wings?
I feel like I missed the memo on life...
Anyone else feel that way?
Can we miss out together?!!
I saw a dead caterpillar on the ground yesterday and despite how interesting it looked (not in a weird way!), it made me really sad. I then began to ponder the thought of how a butterfly grows it's wings and how the process works. And my conclusion thus far is simply that it takes rest. That's all the caterpillar does to become a butterfly... rest. I wonder if being a caterpillar is hard work? Hmm... I shall study more.
Not to compare this 100% to God and His ways, but if you know me at all you'll know that I'm obsessed with butterflies. When I lived in ATL for two years my bed was right up against a window which faced a garden. (Yes a garden in the middle of the city, I thought it was weird too). But anyway, every single time I looked out my window I saw a white butterfly and God would always remind me of my freedom in Him. Even know being back in KS I see white butterflies everywhere and it always brings me a smile. So, this is my prayer tonight...
God, please help me to rest.
For I need freedom.
Thankyou for promising this to us.
amen.
Anyone else feel that way?
Can we miss out together?!!
I saw a dead caterpillar on the ground yesterday and despite how interesting it looked (not in a weird way!), it made me really sad. I then began to ponder the thought of how a butterfly grows it's wings and how the process works. And my conclusion thus far is simply that it takes rest. That's all the caterpillar does to become a butterfly... rest. I wonder if being a caterpillar is hard work? Hmm... I shall study more.
Not to compare this 100% to God and His ways, but if you know me at all you'll know that I'm obsessed with butterflies. When I lived in ATL for two years my bed was right up against a window which faced a garden. (Yes a garden in the middle of the city, I thought it was weird too). But anyway, every single time I looked out my window I saw a white butterfly and God would always remind me of my freedom in Him. Even know being back in KS I see white butterflies everywhere and it always brings me a smile. So, this is my prayer tonight...
God, please help me to rest.
For I need freedom.
Thankyou for promising this to us.
amen.
October 13, 2010
what I wouldn't write in my journal.
I'm a pretty avid journaler. Usually write once a day, sometimes twice, but this past week I haven't been able to pull out my journal. It's not that I don't have the time or am incapable, something seems to stop me for fear that if I write down what I'm truly feeling it could be true. It would forever exist on a piece of paper that is shoved somewhere in the corner of my house... Really silly, I know. But I do not like what I have to say. Something has seemed to corrupt my mind and I don't know how to stop the pattern.
Lets open the can and spill, shall we?
The other day- Oct. 11th to be exact- was my 7 year mark of being a "Christian." It's not like THAT day I was saved for we are continually being saved, but I look back on that day every year around this time remembering the joy I felt and the hope that awakened my heart to live for God. I just recently came across the first Bible I bought and stood in awe over how child-like my faith was. It almost made me laugh in those moments as I thumbed through the pages, thinking to myself, "I was such a stupid girl." NO NO NOOOO! Where has she gone! Where has my faith gone! I don't know! I can't find that girl anymore. She's buried deep, for I feel her cry to rise and just believe... but I can't let her out. Having Oct. 11th pass yet another year has made me realize just how deep she's buried...
I'm not trying to be emotional. This is real life. Living as Christian with Christ in you is real. And having second thoughts about this life I have already chosen to live is... real. It affects my every waking thought. I feel stopped, at a cross-road. It's hard to explain cause I already know the choice I'm going to make, something is just stopping me from turning and walking. I see who I am right now due to certain life circumstances and I beat myself up for not being strong enough. I thought my faith was stronger, I didn't know I was so weak. I thought I knew what I believed and was equipped to stand against oppposition. I thought I knew who I was in God's eyes and wasn't able to be defined by the world. Not to say that I was thinking I could do all of this out of my own strength, I thought I'd matured from a babe to at least a teenager, maybe?... I didn't know that I would fall at one strike from the enemy. I look around and see others that have it SOOO much worse than me, and that makes me feel selfish for even writing how I feel right now. But if someone where to see my thoughts on paper I think it would blow them apart. For to me I look back and see my journey with God, especially within these last 3 years, and want to scream and cry and rage wondering what the point was to go through everything I endured for Him. I feel like it lead me no where. No where in life, no where in my walk with Him...... do you think God does that to raise us higher? Lets hope.
I just can't do "it" anymore. I tell God that, that I can't do it... whatever "it" is. And that's where I'm leaving it. I feel drained on the bottom of bottoms. My beliefs are being tested and coming out negative. I know the truths I have learned, I know what is "right"... but I feel like a test-subject on this earth of what it looks like to go after God the wrong way. If there is even such a thing as a wrong way? I don't want to try anymore to get things right, I can't, I'm done. And that's really all I wanted to say.
So, goodnight.
Lets open the can and spill, shall we?
The other day- Oct. 11th to be exact- was my 7 year mark of being a "Christian." It's not like THAT day I was saved for we are continually being saved, but I look back on that day every year around this time remembering the joy I felt and the hope that awakened my heart to live for God. I just recently came across the first Bible I bought and stood in awe over how child-like my faith was. It almost made me laugh in those moments as I thumbed through the pages, thinking to myself, "I was such a stupid girl." NO NO NOOOO! Where has she gone! Where has my faith gone! I don't know! I can't find that girl anymore. She's buried deep, for I feel her cry to rise and just believe... but I can't let her out. Having Oct. 11th pass yet another year has made me realize just how deep she's buried...
I'm not trying to be emotional. This is real life. Living as Christian with Christ in you is real. And having second thoughts about this life I have already chosen to live is... real. It affects my every waking thought. I feel stopped, at a cross-road. It's hard to explain cause I already know the choice I'm going to make, something is just stopping me from turning and walking. I see who I am right now due to certain life circumstances and I beat myself up for not being strong enough. I thought my faith was stronger, I didn't know I was so weak. I thought I knew what I believed and was equipped to stand against oppposition. I thought I knew who I was in God's eyes and wasn't able to be defined by the world. Not to say that I was thinking I could do all of this out of my own strength, I thought I'd matured from a babe to at least a teenager, maybe?... I didn't know that I would fall at one strike from the enemy. I look around and see others that have it SOOO much worse than me, and that makes me feel selfish for even writing how I feel right now. But if someone where to see my thoughts on paper I think it would blow them apart. For to me I look back and see my journey with God, especially within these last 3 years, and want to scream and cry and rage wondering what the point was to go through everything I endured for Him. I feel like it lead me no where. No where in life, no where in my walk with Him...... do you think God does that to raise us higher? Lets hope.
I just can't do "it" anymore. I tell God that, that I can't do it... whatever "it" is. And that's where I'm leaving it. I feel drained on the bottom of bottoms. My beliefs are being tested and coming out negative. I know the truths I have learned, I know what is "right"... but I feel like a test-subject on this earth of what it looks like to go after God the wrong way. If there is even such a thing as a wrong way? I don't want to try anymore to get things right, I can't, I'm done. And that's really all I wanted to say.
So, goodnight.
October 1, 2010
encouragment.
So many emotions. So many thoughts.
I wish my Christian friends were more encouraging. I try and be a good encourager. "Treat others the way you want to be treated" kinda thing. I feel like I'm running as hard as I can after the Lord right now. In the midst of this world pulling at me, I am still moving forward. I haven't given in or pushed Him away even though lies want to convince me that I have every right too. Even though my past and present creep into my mind every day, I know I have to let God reign!
...And in the midst of pursuing the Lord I feel pulled down by the church. Isn't the Bride suppose to work together? Encourage one another?
I don't expect approval or applause.
I just wish others would be here for me as I battle in what feels like
the fight of my life.
I don't need to hear what I'm doing wrong.
I just really need someone here.
We need people, right?
God show me what You are trying to teach me right now.
Because I feel so let down.
And really really alone.
amen.
I wish my Christian friends were more encouraging. I try and be a good encourager. "Treat others the way you want to be treated" kinda thing. I feel like I'm running as hard as I can after the Lord right now. In the midst of this world pulling at me, I am still moving forward. I haven't given in or pushed Him away even though lies want to convince me that I have every right too. Even though my past and present creep into my mind every day, I know I have to let God reign!
...And in the midst of pursuing the Lord I feel pulled down by the church. Isn't the Bride suppose to work together? Encourage one another?
I don't expect approval or applause.
I just wish others would be here for me as I battle in what feels like
the fight of my life.
I don't need to hear what I'm doing wrong.
I just really need someone here.
We need people, right?
God show me what You are trying to teach me right now.
Because I feel so let down.
And really really alone.
amen.
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