what I wouldn't write in my journal.

I'm a pretty avid journaler. Usually write once a day, sometimes twice, but this past week I haven't been able to pull out my journal. It's not that I don't have the time or am incapable, something seems to stop me for fear that if I write down what I'm truly feeling it could be true. It would forever exist on a piece of paper that is shoved somewhere in the corner of my house... Really silly, I know. But I do not like what I have to say. Something has seemed to corrupt my mind and I don't know how to stop the pattern.

Lets open the can and spill, shall we?
The other day- Oct. 11th to be exact- was my 7 year mark of being a "Christian." It's not like THAT day I was saved for we are continually being saved, but I look back on that day every year around this time remembering the joy I felt and the hope that awakened my heart to live for God. I just recently came across the first Bible I bought and stood in awe over how child-like my faith was. It almost made me laugh in those moments as I thumbed through the pages, thinking to myself, "I was such a stupid girl." NO NO NOOOO! Where has she gone! Where has my faith gone! I don't know! I can't find that girl anymore. She's buried deep, for I feel her cry to rise and just believe... but I can't let her out. Having Oct. 11th pass yet another year has made me realize just how deep she's buried...

I'm not trying to be emotional. This is real life. Living as Christian with Christ in you is real. And having second thoughts about this life I have already chosen to live is... real. It affects my every waking thought. I feel stopped, at a cross-road. It's hard to explain cause I already know the choice I'm going to make, something is just stopping me from turning and walking. I see who I am right now due to certain life circumstances and I beat myself up for not being strong enough. I thought my faith was stronger, I didn't know I was so weak. I thought I knew what I believed and was equipped to stand against oppposition. I thought I knew who I was in God's eyes and wasn't able to be defined by the world. Not to say that I was thinking I could do all of this out of my own strength, I thought I'd matured from a babe to at least a teenager, maybe?... I didn't know that I would fall at one strike from the enemy. I look around and see others that have it SOOO much worse than me, and that makes me feel selfish for even writing how I feel right now. But if someone where to see my thoughts on paper I think it would blow them apart. For to me I look back and see my journey with God, especially within these last 3 years, and want to scream and cry and rage wondering what the point was to go through everything I endured for Him. I feel like it lead me no where. No where in life, no where in my walk with Him...... do you think God does that to raise us higher? Lets hope.

I just can't do "it" anymore. I tell God that, that I can't do it... whatever "it" is. And that's where I'm leaving it. I feel drained on the bottom of bottoms. My beliefs are being tested and coming out negative. I know the truths I have learned, I know what is "right"... but I feel like a test-subject on this earth of what it looks like to go after God the wrong way. If there is even such a thing as a wrong way? I don't want to try anymore to get things right, I can't, I'm done. And that's really all I wanted to say.

So, goodnight.