I'm seeking out truth. I want to know truth! I want to cling to truth!... And you know what's funny, when I just wrote that I thought, "Jesus says HE is the truth!".. Hm, just know Him. Everything i've been seeking out recently has led to this conclusion: Just be with Him.
I don't want my heart to ache anymore. I don't want the past in any shape, text, picture, note, image, memory, feeling, or emotion to spring up again. Ever. Ever. EVER again. Did I mention I never again want the past to spring up again? I want my memory to be erased... I wish that could happen, I wish that WAS possible. I'd definitely pay any amount to have it done. I think what hurts the most is to look back and remember the moments in time that the fears of your heart were tested, and how you gave in. I wish I could go back to the times the words "I will never leave you" and "I will never hurt you" were spoken to me, and tell my heart to remain caged up, as it always instantly did whenever hope wanted to leek in because of those promises. The cage formed around my heart because it's been let down so many times before... it was there to protect me. But why WHY WHY did I finally give in and believe. I want to go back to the moment the cage was unlocked and my heart became vulnerable. I want to see myself become that way so that I can be there to lock it right back up... be the angel on my shoulder warning my heart what it will go through if it believes. Warning it not to surrendur.
I hate my heart right now. I hate it's apprehension to become vulnerable before God. I hate all of it's scars and wounds. I hate the tender places that shock me like a tazer when it gets touched. I hate it. I want to throw it away. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to trust again. But then again, I don't want to not trust again. My heart's just a mess, it's just a mess.
