Scared.

I need to admit something. I'm scared to death to give my heart to God. And I keep asking myself why I feel this way because fear should be the farthest thing a human being feels when they think of God. I'm not talking about the holy, reverent, fear of God because that's SO essential to following Him, but i'm talking about the pee your pants/want to run type of fear. God is love. Where there's love fear does not exist because "there is NO fear in love" (1 jn. 4:18)
So why am I so stinking scared!?!...

I've recently been awaken to realize that I have been living in deception. The enemy knew what to wrap up so tightly to keep my eyes off of God. God told me once that the enemy doesn't want Him to have me. But I will fight until the day I leave this earth to be completely His.

The only way we can love God is if we receive His perfect love. "Perfect love casts out fear" (1 jn. 4:18) Why would I want any other love than His? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT "LOVE" APART FROM HIS ISN'T REALLY LOVE!!! The world labels feelings and pleasure as "love" when really it's the complete opposite of love. You, Kirsten Burge, will stay in fear if your heart is in any other hands but His. I know that the more I focus my mind on Him the more I will learn of His love because it's there, knocking at my heart. It's almost so loud that it knocks me off my feet! But I think that's what God wants to do, He wants to carry me away; sweep me off my feet. I've been camping out in the tower this whole time thinking I was ok while the Lord has been down below beckoning me to jump into His arms! I want to be captivated by His love. Learn it, be in it, move in it, be dictated by it alone. Thank goodness He is patient with me, or else I'd be long gone by now.

I feel selfish to be on this journey again. I want to get past needing God's love and I want to love Him! I'm once again this broken, empty vessel in need of love. Learning His love is a forever journey, but I'm talking about the state im in as something so fresh that I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what to do because I've been here once before and apparentely didn't do it right that time, so what am I to do differently now? It's confusing, hard, painful... but God's teaching me this thing called rest. And it's good.

I sometime wish His love was more tangible and real to touch. That's why I think God created marriage for this life we have on earth. Marriage is a journey to know God more than you could on your own. I've been seeing love relationship as my hope to be loved, but I am slowly learning that He gives us relationships to learn to love HIM. You can't look to anything or anyone else for love but God. When your eyes are on Him nothing can harm you because He protects you from this world. He protects you from false love, pain, fear, and hurt. Put your faith in Him dear heart, He will never fail you.